Epic Trash Talk - Interview with an Elemental Trash Wizard

Jonabeth Ferzilwick ~ The Weekly Wonk

When I first met Window he could not have been more unassuming. Window is, after all, trash.

This is not meant as an insult. Window is literally three burlap trash bags stacked on top of one another. In fact, the only human characteristic Window possesses is a debonair tricorner hat and the subtle mystique often seen in true celebrities.

Window spoke with us about fame, fortune, the hat and more in a recent interview with your very own Jonabeth Ferzilwick on Brethfember,  fortytwelfth of this year.  This was no easy feat, as it is rumored that Window only speaks six different words. Whether this stems from a small vocabulary (though arguably quite large compared to other trash piles) or a wish to keep his comments out of the tabloids, it is still unclear.

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Thank you for meeting with me, Window. First of all, we all know you were born from a pile of trash after a stray bolt in a wizard duel hit your bags, imbuing you with the gift of life, but where does the name Window come from?



Yes. We know.


Indeed. Moving on... you’ve become quite the celebrity. To what do you attribute this sudden surge in popularity?


That’s true. So what you’re saying is that you’ve become a celebrity simply because you are Window?


Fascinating! Let’s talk about the hat.


But Window, the public wants to know.


Why the tricorner? Would you say that the three corners represent the trichotomy of good and evil and trash in us all?


Beautifully said.


Now... I don’t want to add to the rumor mill, but I’ve heard that you can be quite the blustery lothario in the bedroom. Emphasis on blustery. Would you care to comment on these rumors?


So you’re not denying that you spent a fortnight with seven mermaids at the Sea Shanty Suites on the night of Clocktober twentyeleventh?


Impressive. Finally and more seriously, adventurers such as yourself often find themselves in situations that require the use of deadly force. How do you cope with taking a life and the potential condemnation that comes with that?


A fine answer. Nuanced, yet to the point. Illuminating the duality of right and wrong that so many of us grapple with. Is there anything else you’d like our readers to know about you?


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Alas, my time with Window was all too short lived. Several bards approached our table at the tavern and began to sing tales of his (its?) great exploits, quickly making conversation impossible.

As I watched Window evoke an Eldritch blast, blow a hole in the Tavern wall and blow-float nonchalantly out into the cold Kain wind, I couldn’t help but ponder over the many questions that still surround him:

Does Window have a gender? Does he/she/it need sleep or use the bathroom? Can Window be killed? Can Window love? But most importantly, can Window become the hero we all hope for?

In the end, perhaps that unknowable nature is the true, ineffable appeal of Window. But, unknowable or not, it is certain that this windblown pile of sentient trash will continue to captivate our hearts and fill our noses for years to come.

To follow Window’s exploits along with his party of trusted, more conventionally sentient companions, listen to the Kain Campaign podcast here!